in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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