Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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