so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
