if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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