I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
