people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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