Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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