I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
