chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
