i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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