Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
