I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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