You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
