Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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