I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
