also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
