The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
