My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
