Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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