theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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