i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize