Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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