I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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