he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
