Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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