There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
