I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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