They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
