based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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