She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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