There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize