hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
