I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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