Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
