i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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