i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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