you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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