I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My ATM looks so different sober.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
