After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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