Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
