wakey wakey hands off snakey
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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