oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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