I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
