You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
