You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
