Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
