I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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