how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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