david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
