Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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