she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
