got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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