I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
