the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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