Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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