I'm laying in your front yard are you home
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
