Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
