I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
