My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
