i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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