I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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