How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
