just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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