Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
